There, I said it. It's out there. Why is that so scary to admit to? Mental illness has had a wide-spread impact on all aspects of my life, why does it still prove so tricky to talk, or write, about? It shouldn't be that difficult to say; not when research suggests that as many as 3 in 10 Parents/Mum's have battled PND. But the reality is, that for many, me included, it's still a tricky subject to broach and hard to talk about. So bear with me on this...
Almost 4 years ago my Husband and I were thrown into a situation neither of us could have foreseen. After the reasonably normal arrival of our eldest came the incredibly early and traumatic arrival of our youngest who spent his first weeks in an Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) and a Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU). We were both blindsided and thrown off balance and I often find myself wondering how all four of us made it out of those dark days still in tact.
The truth of the matter was...I kind of didn't. I was in a very dark place; PTSD was wearing me down day by day, PND had set in and was making the normal, daily things feel impossible and the hours stretch on forever. It felt like somebody had turned out the lights and told me to carry on as normal. I couldn't bond with my youngest and I began to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I battled on for almost 11 months on my own before I reached a point where I couldn't function any longer and was becoming increasingly unstable. I hit the bottom. And it was pretty messy.
Thankfully when I did summon the strength to reach out from that place I found a wonderful Doctor who saw that I received support, help tailored to me and the right medication (my choice, due to ongoing clinical depression). It took a lot of time, patience and hard work, and not just from me, but I recovered.
The thing that lingers now is the guilt. Oh gosh, the guilt!
I cared for my children, I loved them, looked after them, fed them, bathed them, changed them and did all the things that I should have been doing. But I wasn't present and I wasn't the best Mother to them that I could have been. Now that I'm recovered from PND that guilt can be a crippling burden and I've spent the time since desperately trying to be the 'perfect mum' (I'm not sure she exists!!). I've been striving to make it up to them and give them every single bit of me, all of my time and energy and love. All the things I feel I couldn't give them at the beginning.
But that's just not realistic is it? And what exactly am I trying to make up for? Because I was ill (something out of my control) and struggled to be the best parent to them? I was still there; I still cared for them and showed them I loved them. I still made time for them, played with them and took them to see people and places however daunting I found it. I did all the things I should have been doing and they seem like happy, confident and able children. What exactly am I trying to make up for? Is it them I'm trying to make it up to...or is it myself?
I don't have any personalise experience of PND but I think that all Moms are made to feel guilty for something - if it's not other moms, it'll be the media... I think you have done an amazing job by the sounds of it & your children one day will understand how ace mummy is xx #mummymonday
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely. I think you're right, there is so much 'pressure' to be perfect and so much guilt put on you if you aren't when you're a Parent - it seems to come at you from all angles x
DeleteI don't think I suffered with PND as such, but following the birth of my baby I felt so alone, down and guilty for everything. I think all Mum's feel it to a certain extent. I don't know why it is so hard to admit it, it doesn't make you a bad person! But I guess that's just what people think, I know I did. I felt like a terrible Mum :(
ReplyDeleteWell done for receiving the help and I am so glad you are recovered!!
#MummyMonday
Thank you hun, and thank for being honest - nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I hope you are feeling better now too? x
DeleteWell done for posting on such a difficult topic. There is still so much stigma around it. I wouldn't say I had PND but I was teetering not he edge for about a month after my baby was born. It's a horrible dark feeling and I didn't feel like I was bonding with my baby properly. Glad to see you doing so well :) xx #mummymonday
ReplyDeleteThank you sweet. You're right, there is far too much stigma surrounding it considering how common it is - maybe if we keep talking about it we can start to break that down a bit?
DeleteI hope you are feeling better now too? x
Aw that must have been awful having your baby in scbu i am glad everything turned out ok in the end for him and i am glad you have recovered from pnd it sounds awful and your children look so happy and you sound a fantastic mum to them xx #mummymonday
ReplyDeleteAw, thank you lovely. It was a difficult time but he was such a little fighter that things had no choice but to turn out ok for him ;) x
DeleteI think guilt lives with us all when it comes to our kids, constantly second guessing ourselves and wondering if we are failing them or letting them miss out but in reality we're not and shouldn't ever feel guilty for things beyond our control that we can't change. Onwards and upwards I say..
ReplyDeleteThank you love, it means a lot to know I'm not alone in feeling this. I think you're right, there seems to be so much guilt put upon us from all angles as a Parent...time to refocus on being a Mum and forget about all the other things I can't control I reckon :) x
DeleteGreat and powerful post, I have never suffered from PND but I have been a sufferer of depression, I remember my Dad, when I was diagonosed, saying dont be stupid its all in your head....hes very old school and he didnt mean it in any nasty way but it didnt help! From then on I didnt mention it to anyone, until it got worse, i went back to the doctor and the doctor told me I was mentally and physically exhauseted (I thought this was just a ''celebrity'' excuse!) and would be best of having a break from my daughter, let her stay with family for a few days whilst I got myself together...so reluctantly I sent her of to her nan and grandads for a few days, I have never (and dont think i ever will) stopped feeling guilty about this.....was i that much of a bad mum that a doctor advised my daughter went else where? Does she remember that she got sent away for a few days? She was 3 at the time and is now 9, it has never been mentioned so i doubt she does. Everytime she goes to visit i think about the time they pickd her up and i didnt know when she would be coming back. Such awful memories of it all. Maybe one day we will both live in peace, because im sure it is just guilt on our halves x
ReplyDeleteThat must have been so difficult for you, I'm glad you are feeling better now. Depression, in all forms, is such a horrible illness :( I think you're right, the guilt does seem to be more on our halves..I would be surprised if my children even remembered all that happened. I hope we both find some peace with it someday x
DeleteYou sound like a wonderful mum, with nothing to feel guilty about :) I didn't suffer from PND but getting out and about and playing and keeping on top of all the household stuff was still really tough some weeks, so I really admire you for doing all that while you were dealing with depression. Your children are very lucky. (And, no, I really don't think that the perfect mum does exist! Just a lot of mums doing the best job that they know how to...) #mummymonday
ReplyDeleteThank you, that means a lot to hear :) x
DeleteI hope in time you can let go of that guilt. It's not your fault and your children are in no way effected by it. Let it go, move on and enjoy your future with your children - You're an awesome mum and they love you x
ReplyDeleteThank you love, that means a lot to hear :) x
DeleteI hope that you one day find it in yourself to let go of the guilt, mental illness is never a easy thing to battle on your own, and the fact you just got on with it for 11 months shows how much of a strong person you tried to be. I think there is a lot of stigma attached to it which never makes it easy to reach out for help. You should be very proud of yourself for asking for help, and for writing this post. x
ReplyDeleteThank you hun, that means a lot to hear. I don't feel like a very strong person..but maybe I got on a bit better than I felt I did :) x
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